In practice, or what for seems to be the case for overthinking people, it's really hard to tell love apart from projection. Say, is it REAL love or is it just a thing you want to ha e, want to try it out for yourself?

This question's been pestering me brains a bunch for about two weeks now. It never feels like I can reciprocate anybody else's feelings and everyone I've ever met and enjoyed being around was by complete accident, specially on their end. Feeling this alien around everyone and anyone is usually a good thing, a great source of wonder for the eyes of you and your inner child. Like living everyday as if you'd be dead by midnight without the dreadful bit.

And about that second part, what's the problem of wanting to see how it would be? Trying out how it would feel to kiss that person, regardless of anything?

Thinking so much about this made me think of a metaphor for how and why I love the person who kept me up so many nights with and without her presence. She reminds me of the first time a pigeon ate from my hands for the first time, after so long carrying corn seeds(?) around and handing it to a bunch at the bus terminal alone. I can't help (supposedly) falling in love with people who seem to trust me and I relate to, for that seems to be rarer and rarer and I don't know why. I hate to break people's trust on me and I will take everything so seriously and react like the imagined best way possible, everything to ensure somebody can always trust me... regardless of anything.

Though in actuality, what I really wanted to talk about here, is the day I think I felt and found out what true love was like.

There was this time I sat down at a stairway where I used to live by. You know, the type murderous clowns like to dance down on?

I don't know where it came from but I had a baby spider on me. I thought that bugs and related tiny things weren't able to experience more in their brains than instinctive reactions, like reptiles or just crocodiles. But this spider wouldn't let go of me. Maybe the fact that I didn't really wanted to shake it off violently like most normals do had an influence, but then it started to walk all over me. I do know that, (like everything) in my head, it was fond of me and we begun to play. And we just enjoyed each other for over an hour, until I was able to get it to my thumb and leave it to a random bush.

This is my best reference on what true love is like.