Today is the two-year anniversary of my last and almost successful suicide attempt.

I'd use a trigger warning but from this alone you can probably tell, if you're even reading this.

Realizing this while searching through some old data on my phone made me spend the whole day thinking on how things could've been, specially because of how much horrible things I've been feeling responsible for doing, by how I'm differently wired and interact with those I love.

Schizophrenia. Depression. Borderline. Anxiety. Autism. Not to mention my memory and communication skills.

For starters, these are but walls I have to use as stairways to get anywhere I want to. But this cycle of trial & error has been getting on my nerves since at least 2014. Ever since then I have been acting as a fake, bright smiling shell, carrying a prown in my face everywhere I go, to everyone I meet, filled to the brim with nothing but unsatisfaction or drained on the spot, completely apathetic. A tiring, unstable point of view. Failing love interests, friends, family, and myself. Destined to end up in jail sooner or later for the mildest to the most outrageous crimes, on purpose or not. I'm tired of guessing everything that's wrong with the human way of life, and being sharply correct everytime. Being able to see order where in the big picture there is only chaos.

I want to make a difference. A minimal one, in this small glance of order I see.

But I don't know where to start but... with myself. I need to achieve a mechanical heart, with a mechanical brain to do those things, or else everybody and everything else with broken frames of mind, blessed with ignorance and the birthright power of a raging kettle, will bring me down almost without even noticing my rammed corpse.

"Is it weird to not believe in the Apocalypse while believing in the Great Filter?"

Adolf Human-Scum just had one forsaken job, and yet he failed like the smooth brain he was*. And if I say I am not glad he did, just because of said results I'm about to mention being small in comparision, I would be lying. Chaplin knew this all along; He knew about the amazing minority of truly powerful, blissful and masterful members of our global and culturally diversed society! Those who would go on to inspire others to give bliss, to teach us all the arts of thought and perception to all kinds of '-ies', and to use their capacities in any way they can to achieve our mutual goal of a preservation, development, peace, tolerance and health where we can all enjoy how gratifying it is to help and act for each other through our own fundamental ways!

You know, I am a "Fake it til you make it" type. I know how my story ended up in the way I'm able to think today and what I want to do. Using a sharp tongue, a shaky right hand and my more functional in comparision left eye, I want to inspire generations to come, instead of being remembered as an example.

But...

How?

I mean, I DO know how, but happily I can't do it on my own... and sadly, I need to take the first steps before getting any support at all.

There is just so many people I have yet to list, again, in one of the many other lists I make in a week. So many people I want to base my work around, for the sole purpose of teaching children the amazing world they can perceive in any forms and how they can show them to others. From the flamboyant rich european blondie to the black forgotten african child with a parasite-filled belly.

And humor is my main weapon of choice to reach them.

...This hope rollercoaster is getting old. I should pick a side already. I mean, how can one be so... half-hope?

That is... what I love about chaos. There is no way around it anyway.

BREWSTICE

*Come on. He made the same mistake as Napoleon. What a dummy.

Even though many of them perform in curious and personal ways, several artists already have an excellent cyber presence representing their work, their niches and their groups, even before all the chaotic and downward spiraling situation of 2020. Some with a bit more contact with this tiny digital realm recognize obstacles and, almost as indirectly, act as tutors for interested or, for the most part, newcomers without much choice. From and for these newbies, a handful of new questions and puzzles arise, requiring much more creativity and reasoning for problem-solving, from independent producers seeking publicity and space to large studios with a large marketing team.

In the name of the preservation of their lifestyles, the harmony together with theatrical ethical foundations and by the indefinite period for normality to come, the lack of adaptation ends up being extremely debilitating to those who do not try or for any reason cannot reconfigure their art at a virtual, tacit level.

Nowadays, knowing where to obtain the necessary support, without compromising what you already do and in the exceptional way you do it, seems to be the most fundamental basis for the future that is coming, for you to be part of it, and for that possibly the most precedent influences are not increasingly repressed. The value of art has always existed in volatile contexts, iconizing history, anthropology, geography, and especially, languages and communication. As long as there is somewhere to get information and learn new things, this value, however sensitive it may change or be, will still remain precious to all who seek it and to those who can be encouraged to.

Mesmo que muitos realizem de forma curiosa e pessoal, vários artistas já marcam uma presença cibernética ótima representando seu trabalho, seus nichos e seus grupos, bem antes até de toda a situação caótica e em espiral decrescente de 2020. Alguns com mais contato com esse pequeno universo digital reconhecem os obstáculos e servem de tutores, quase indiretamente, para os recém-chegados interessados ou em grande parte, sem muita opção. Destes e para estes novatos, algumas questões novas andam surgindo, exigindo muito mais criatividade e raciocínio, desde produtores independentes buscando divulgação e espaço até grandes estúdios com uma grande equipe de marketing.

Para a preservação de seus estilos de vida, a harmonia em conjunto com os fundamentos éticos teatrais e pelo prazo indeterminado de normalidade, a falta de adaptação acaba sendo extremamente debilitante a quem não tenta ou por quaisquer motivos não pode reconfigurar sua arte à um nível virtual tácito.

Atualmente, conhecer de onde obter o apoio necessário, sem comprometer o que faz e da forma excepcional que realiza, parece ser a base mais fundamental para o futuro, que esteja presente nele, e que possivelmente as influências mais precedentes não sejam cada vez mais reprimidas. O valor da arte sempre esteve em um contexto volúvel, iconizando história, antropologia, geografia, e principalmente, linguagens e comunicação. Enquanto existir de onde obter informação e aprendizado, este valor, por mais que alterne de forma sensível, ainda permanecerá precioso a todos que procuram e aos que podem ser incentivados a procurar.

"Chin up, men! Don't you see how the sea trembles in fear, just by being before us?"

Quoted from a portuguese explorer from the late XIII Century that I read on a book once. Translated and localized by me.

I've decided to support Newgrounds w/ subscription recently. That just got me a tiny bit anxious, since I still can't figure out how to work with FireAlpaca.

Tons of crap have been going on for everybody this year. Now, I feel like, at least I have to do something about my current crappy life phase.

Being hopeful is the only thing stopping me from dying at this point. So I'll give myself the chance to work and share it with you! I hope maybe you can be a bit hopeful yourself by the end, too.

For now, no rant about everything has a point anymore. Maybe I'll share my story some other time.

Until then, thank you for visiting this page.